On seeing myself with the right eyes (Guest Post by Holly)

I just want things to be normal.

At least, that’s what I think when I’m most vulnerable and scared and down.
Like when I’ve taken refuge in our teeny shower stall a little too long and I’m burning lava hot yet I don’t want to step out of the rushing water that drowns out the droning in my ears, in my house, in my life. I reluctantly step out and slowly turn, stealing a glance at the clouded mirror that hides my image behind a wall of wet.
I don’t see me.
I stand there, naked and dripping, huddling my body around a towel, willing it to heal my deepest darkness.
But still, I don’t see me.

Slowly, the mirror begins to drip, revealing jagged blurry pieces of my face, like exaggerated tear marks in negative.
I lurch towards the glass and hastily wipe it down, unable to stand the distortion.

And I see me.

Wet, stringy hair and a face that won’t let go of its adolescent skin, despite it’s aging eyes and I know, perhaps now more ever, that I will never really see me, will I?

Because these eyes need correcting, in so many more ways than one, and if left alone, they can’t see rightly.

So I turn away…there’s always this great turning away…and I rush to put on my clothes because I feel too vulnerable if I don’t.

And then I sink onto the bed and remind myself to breathe into one moment, then the next.
And I sigh.

And then I remember…

“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
-Antoine de Saint Exuperay

And I ask, how does one see with their heart?

(thank you, Holly, for this powerful post… )

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2 thoughts on “On seeing myself with the right eyes (Guest Post by Holly)

  1. Oh Holly, our hearts are so imperfect, we only see rightly when we look through GOD’s Heart, His Eyes. And we can only do that when we look at His Hands: “Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My Hands” Isaiah 49:16

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