When you hate who God made you to be (Guest Post by Roseann)

I am not sure when the lies began…those tapes that started playing in my head…
“you are not as good as…”
“you’re not loveable”…
“you’re a failure”.
No matter what success I found in life…
These tapes would not be silenced.
by the time I was in college, these tapes were in high gear.

In college I innocently joined the pastime…
a ritual of sorts…taking place in every dorm
a little exercise…and some Diet Tab (that dates me).
But this “innocent” college pastime apprehended me…
and dragged me down a very dark road…
a road of obsessive exercise…a road of starvation.

This obsessive behavior…
was only fueled by those negative tapes.
But I hid this all pretty well…
from the outside, my life looked really good…
in some ways a life others envied.

But those lies continued to steal, kill, and destroy…
not just my mind but my body as well.

After my first year of teaching…I spent a week in the hospital…
a week to figure out why my body was refusing…
It resisted all the medical attention given to bleed the blood of life…
the blood needed to really be the woman God intended.
While the doctors where figuring out my body…
I lie alone figuring out my faith.
Being very new in my walk with the Lord…
my ears and heart were learning to be tuned to hear His voice.
I cannot say I heard an audible voice…
but oh how clear it was…
this question…
a question not wrapped with judgment nor condemnation…
but a question asked in compassion…
from a heart of love for my brokenness…
”Why are you spitting in my face and telling me you hate who I created you to be? “
I answered back through my tears in a loud cry…
”I do hate who you made me to be.”
This sickness called anorexia is a slow death…
and I was telling the Creator of the universe…
what He created did not deserve to live.
And with that confession…something changed…
I could not bare the thought of spitting in my Savior’s face…
I wanted to be healed.

Did this end all the self-hatred?
Oh, I wish I could tell you yes…
but I did walk out of the hospital changed…
slowly but surely…little by little more freedom came.
Freedom from every bite controlling my thoughts…
freedom from a minimum requirement of daily exercise to find peace.

but the tapes…those tapes…
they were not so easily erased.

I found the healing of the body happens more easily…
than the healing of the heart and mind.
Renewing my mind and transforming my heart was a very slow process.
God came in many ways to heal me… body, soul and spirit.
He patiently wooed me to trust His Love for me.
He showed me what His unconditional love looked like through the love of my husband.
Over time my thoughts toward God were finally finding
a safe place to land…
therefore my thoughts toward myself were becoming
more kind…more forgiving…more safe.

After all these years, I am still surprised …
when I can trace thoughts back to self-hatred…
But now when God comes and tugs on that weed of
self-loathing thoughts…
its roots are no longer wound through very fiber of my being.
Instead, it’s like pulling up a weed whose root system is almost dead.
God has brought a freedom I wasn’t sure was possible.
But praise be to Him …
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20

My heart breaks now when I meet another…
One whose mind if full of these same lies…
At the same time…my heart is so full of hope…
Because…
The same Kind and Gracious God who loved me to healing…
Whose love never grew weary…
whose Light was bright enough to penetrate even the darkest places…
whose Truth was stronger than the lies…
whose blood came and healed my wounded heart.
This same God will meet each woman…heal each heart…
and each one will walk in more freedom than she could ever imagine.

I pray if you too listen to lies…
that you will find encouragement here…
encouragement to let God in…all the way in…
to every lie…every dark place of hiding…to let Him show you and tell you…
of His immense Love for you.. how very precious you are to Him.
you His daughter…you, a daughter of the King.

(thank you, sweet Roseann, for sharing these words today… )

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6 thoughts on “When you hate who God made you to be (Guest Post by Roseann)

  1. I don’t suffer anorexia. But in 2011, we were excommunicated from our church, and I slowly began to internalize the lies they told about me in the process. I wasn’t enough…I was the source of all my family’s pain…they would be better off without me. After a 5 month battle with suicide, I heard a similar still, small voice of my Father, whispering in a broken voice, “How can you say your family would be better off with you dead when I so obviously disagree? Please quit hurting them, and me, and you – my precious daughter!” I leaned hard on Deuteronomy 30:16-19 – “Therefore, choose life, so that you and your children may live.” The season slowly passed until there is only a shadow left of those thoughts. I look back and see the ever-loving Father who never let me wander too far down that dangerous path and loved me immensely even in my darkest moments. I am thankful for your healing, and hope you continue to conquer the lies of the Enemy who wants us to believe we are far less valuable and treasured than we are!

    • Oh…so thankful you have found healing…that is a very…very painful process. the enemy thrives on the wounds done by “fellow christians”…I am glad you heard His voice of love telling you that you have value…and may you continue to how Loved you are~

  2. I’m praising too for His love and healing in your life! Thank you for sharing something so personal, God will use your willingness to be open to be a blessing as you are a blessing:)

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