Tasting Larger (Guest Post by Janae)

I, the no-needs female. I, the stream-lined individual. I know that linear is more efficient than weaving-loom round, that agreeing is smoother than saying ‘No’, that people like me better when I take care of them.

I pretend to not know my mind, that I have no opinion. I close-my-eyes blind, to protect, to hide, to be perfect. I’m desperate to be safe, yet fear hounds relentless, and so I put myself away. At times, the pain of pretending, denying, agreeing, and ‘yes-ing’ to all the bullshit bursts ahead of my fear, and I speak, I explode.

I apologize. I soothe. I polish. I tuck away, I put away this messy Janae. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

I hide, I fight to be thin, an impossible me that does not take up space. Heaven forbid I have hips, they betray me woman, not girl. They betray me strong, capable, full to round with sex-appeal. I live to mold my body straight, to be hidden behind the cliché so that no one will notice me or blame me for filling-out my seat.

I consolidate, negate, ignore, exile. I secure one-dimension living. I find the safe, the sound, the benign, the bland. Outside I could not be more commendable, approve-able, like-able. Inside I am all starve, silence, and be-little. I hide away myself, my many screaming, needing, begging, feeling, selves.

I need neat and I need tidy, because I want safety, I want sure.

I am accustomed to this tiny existence. Me, scurrying around the edges of my life. Me, apologizing for taking up space.

Now, I’m being pulled into more. Now, I’m being grown into, thrown into, more. An expansion, an upheaval, a frightening, take it back, I-don’t-want-this-much-freedom, more. I lament this overhaul. It is all I have ever wanted, and it has been my greatest fear.

Within this paradox, as I fight and ask for a return to small, I am tasting Larger.

Janae is scared of being honest with herself and vulnerable with others. She struggles to flesh out her beliefs, hopes, and prayers. She believes that living is a process, an ongoing cycle of broken-open-weeping and weaving-me-whole. She is trying to learn self-acceptance. Find her here. Image by Janae.

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4 thoughts on “Tasting Larger (Guest Post by Janae)

  1. “It is all I have ever wanted, and it has been my greatest fear.”
    This. To be free from this body-obsession, from this fear of taking up space, it is what I long for most of all. But most days, I stand at the edge of freedom, too afraid to leap. Everything you wrote resonates with me. (Why am I not surprised at all? 🙂 ) I have abused this body of mine for too long, imprisoning myself in an attempt at perfection. I am worn thin from this fight.

    • “imprisoning myself in an attempt at perfection” – this is something I’ve keep struggling with. It all makes me ache and hope, beg and pray for grace. I’m with you, Lindsay, I’m so glad to not be alone. Much love to you.

      Thank you Emily for inviting me to write out, to speak my prison of perfection. xo

  2. Pingback: Tasting Larger « janaecharlotte

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