in which i struggle with being good enough

everywhere, the crocus is springing purple. the weather, puddling wet and the boys in splash pants and boots. there is no greater joy than a pair of rubber boots in a puddle. no brighter picture than yellow rain-jackets.

and then, at the end of every day, it’s time to make supper.

i hate making supper. it hurts my head. ever since my eating disorder, i struggle with what is normal, and how much, and when, and it’s all so complicated. i was the girl that ate cheese and crackers throughout university, who snacked on marshmallows, and now i have four hungry boys and a man to feed and it’s all a bit much.

so i make menus and i study recipes, but some days, it’s tuna melts on bread with tomato on top, and those are the days joey won’t eat, and trent sends him to bed because he won’t see his wife weep hard for nothing.

and then there are meals in which i serve too much food. “let me help you,” trent tells me, taking the bowl full of tomato soup i’ve poured for aiden, and dumping out half, and it hurts my feelings. because i don’t know portion size.

“i don’t want your help,” i tell him, like the sinner i am.

i just want to be good enough.

i want to be the one to clothe and feed and care for my children and it’s hard to receive help. especially for something as ordinary as portion size. and one night trent takes the plate of spaghetti i’ve dished out for joey and he shoves half of it back in the pot. “he’ll never eat all of that,” he says, and again, i cry.

will i ever be normal? and will correction always hurt this much?

and i’m reminded of aiden falling down the stairs. of me, running and holding him him as any mother would, and then joey pretending to fall down the stairs too.

“oh joey, you don’t have to do that,” i said. “you don’t have to hurt yourself to get my attention. you’ve got it, sweetie.”

i feel like that. like i’m always falling down the stairs trying to get God’s approval.

when i had it, all along.

(‘the springing of the crocus’ by e.wierenga, found here)


8 thoughts on “in which i struggle with being good enough

  1. oh, emily. at church today we studied the scripture in which jesus calms the sudden storm. and i thought about ED and his triggers and how i wonder if i will ever be COMPLETELY free from hearing his whispers. but maybe jesus allows the whispers so i will wake him sooner. praying for you.

  2. oh, love. i know this pain so well. i hope you can hear that you are enough just as you are. there is nothing wrong with you and there is no judgment for not doing this recovery thing “perfectly”.

    it took me a long time to learn portions and i’m still trying to figure out intuitive eating. sometimes i want to just be “fixed”. but then i look back and i can see the progress i’ve made, even in just this last year, and i know it’s going to be okay.

    you are loved loved loved.

  3. I love your words em. I struggle with my own portion sizes, let alone anyone else’s. Is it too much? Is too little? Is it ok to eat a cooked meal at both lunch and dinner, or do I just tell myself that it’s ok because it’s great that I’m eating, when actually it’s too much. Is it ok that I just had a quick snack for lunch, or am I under eating again? Isit ok to not eat because I’m not feeling hungry? Is it ok to eat lots because I’m hungry?
    Oh portion sizes, content, timing, it’s all so confusing, and I wonder, too, if it will ever become second nature.

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