B was so angry at me. He harassed me endlessly and without mercy. He tried convincing me that I wasn’t strong enough to live without him. B made fun of me. And for the first time ever, I told him to shut up.
After finding out how much it would cost to stay at the clinic, we were informed I would have to stay for at least three months and that insurance wouldn’t pay for anything. Yet again it seemed impossible for me to achieve freedom from B. We were already barely scraping by, and we had no one able to care for the children while I was away. We went home with deflated spirits, feeling as though the help that seemed so close was actually light-years away.
But something really important happened the following week. I made a choice. The more I thought, the more I realized I could still win. I let B in and I could kick him out. Even though I couldn’t stay at the clinic, I could still fight. I could live. I had to live.
And live I did – one day at a time. Each day I got stronger and stronger and listened to B less and less. I’d like to say that B left completely the day I kicked him out, but I would be lying. He brought luggage and crates and chains with him when he moved in. He had the place decorated nicely. B was comfortable in his home and refused to be evicted. I battled B for another 3 years before he finally left for good.
For me there was no magic formula – no set of steps to lead the way out. Unable to afford the help of doctors, I knew I had to help myself. I decided I wanted to live. I prayed, I cried, I researched, I read, I released and I fought. My husband loved and supported me unconditionally. God reached down, picked me up, and carried me to safety. He had heard me all along, but He wanted me to fight. He showed me my life was worth living. He gave me a story to tell.
(This is part five of a six-part series on Bulimia by Deidra Manning)
*For videos and discussion questions on how to heal from an ED, please visit here.
**I am due with our second child today; please pray for God’s hand on little Kasher Jude… I will keep you posted 🙂