it doesn’t start out that way. you don’t intend to become your eating disorder. it just sort of happens, the way you just sort of fall in love, or you just kind of become friends, only your ED wants to kill you.
and because everything good in life has let you down, it’s easy to feel confused. it’s easy to think something bad is actually good, and so, your ED becomes your savior. it saves you from the grief, from the disappointment, from the un-controllables. it saves you from the pain of abuse, from the chain of injustice, and it gives you something to believe in.
“i can’t do life, but i can do this” you think, and so, you pour yourself into doing it until the not-eating or the eating-then-purging becomes such habit it cannot be lived without. and so, slowly, with every meal and every weigh scale-step, you become more of it and less of you until it becomes everything.
and to live without it would be to lose everything you’ve worked towards.
yet, to live with it, is to die.
you make allowances. you make excuses. because to truly heal… to truly get better… would mean losing part of you for awhile. the part that is dependable. the part that has become most comfortable. the part that tells you you’re in control. the part that says you’re beautiful because you’re skinny and you’re loved because you purge and you’re nothing without your ED. the part that is a lie.
How much of your thinking each day dwells on food, on your ED? This will tell you how much of you is your ED.
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