B didn’t use his full arsenal at first. He slowly crept in. He gave me little ideas here and there. B made me feel like I was making my own choices when in fact it was he who called the shots. But now he owned me.
Having twins only18 months after delivering my first child depleted me in every sense of the word. I was physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. I became severely depressed and felt so guilty about it. I should have been happy. My wonderful husband and beautiful children should have filled my heart so completely that there would be no room for the dull ache that was there. At twenty-seven years-old I felt utterly used up.
I spent my days at home with the little ones. Changing diapers, washing bottles, doing laundry, and making baby food – that was my life. Added to this was the fact that I had little adult conversation or interaction throughout the day. Left alone with my thoughts, I began to feel worse and worse about myself. I tried to cover it and smile big when people stopped by, and if I ever did venture out of the house with my terrific trio in tow, I painted my face and demeanor with happiness and fulfillment for the world to enjoy.
I desperately tried to pull myself out. No amount of church, prayer, friends, or family peeled any of the crusty layers away. That’s when B came. He told me he would help me feel better. He convinced me I could be beautiful and thin and strong. He persuaded me to change myself. And like a little lost child, I followed.
Blindly accepting all he had to offer, I took B’s hand and let him lead me. All I wanted was to feel good about myself. B made that happen, but my glory days were short-lived. I was back where I started within a few months, except this time I was in a much deeper hole. With no way to scratch, claw or dig my way out, I realized it was time for me to reveal the truth.
(This is part three of a six-part series on Bulimia by Deidra Manning)
*For videos and discussion questions on how to heal from an ED, please visit here.
I will be taking a break for the next week… may you find nourishment and love in the beauty of every day.