For those who find eating hard…

he grabs my finger, says “na na na”, pulls me from laptop or kitchen or laundry and takes me where he needs me to go, because he’s little and life is made for big people, he’s finding, and so he needs help, but when he can do it himself, i am not allowed to try. he’ll shake his head fast and “no” and he’ll pick up the peaches all wet and orange from slippery bowl and he’ll shove them in his mouth and smile, juice dripping chin

he’s 16 months. when i was four, i refused to let my mother dress me. and when i couldn’t have choice, when i was told no, i would sob for hours, but the crying was never enough… it never filled the hole … and that’s why i stopped eating, five years later…

and not eating didn’t fill it either; it emptied it so sharp the pain distracted me so when i felt sad, i could just focus on the hunger pains and the feelings would slip away like the skin of a peach…

motherhood terrifies me because i know. i know what it is to be disappointed, and i know every child does. but now, now that i am a parent, i realize how easy it is to be a disappointment: how easy it is to ‘fail’ in your child’s eyes. sometimes i have to tell aiden no, and despite bottom lip tremble and eyes filling fast i have to keep saying no because in the end, it’s best. in the end. how do you teach your child the end, when they are just beginning?

in this place, this virtual space i long to provide hope for those who’ve stopped eating, or who eat too much, or who eat and then diet and then eat again… for those who use food as a form of comfort or punishment… for those who’ve forgotten how to pick up a fork and simply enjoy. starting monday, april 4, i will be providing links to videos and discussion questions by FINDINGbalance…. these videos will be based on different lessons, meant to guide you on a path of finding just that: balance, in the world of food.

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5 thoughts on “For those who find eating hard…

  1. This is a wonderful idea Emily….you reach into yourself and experiences that you have endured and overcome, and give out hope and knowlege to others that desperatley need that. I think teaching your child the end in the beginning is vital….it is done in small doses or baby steps….having a grown son now…i can look back and see so many mistakes that I made, that have made life harder for him….i never helped him with the end in the beginning. Thank you for all the prayers and support Emily. 🙂

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